Yo fam, if you reading this right now, I already know what’s up. Maybe you caught them slipping. Maybe your gut’s screaming louder than your heart right now. Or maybe you just tired of making excuses for somebody who got more backup plans than they got actual plans. Either way, pull up a chair – we bout to have that conversation your bestie been trying to have with you for MONTHS.
Let me keep it a buck fifty with you – this ain’t your typical “everybody deserves a second chance” fluff piece, but it’s also not gonna be a straight-up hate fest. This ain’t your grandma’s relationship advice column – we’re keeping it ALL the way real while still leaving room for them unicorn cases where people actually get their shit together. But like… don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle, ya feel me? 😂
Table of Contents
The Science Behind That Mess (But Make It Make Sense) 🧠
Look, before we go ANY further, lemme hit you with some ACTUAL FACTS that’ll blow your mind! Scientists been studying these shenanigans (for real though, people get paid to research this stuff 😂), and the results are WILD.
When somebody cheats, their brain literally gets high off that mess. I’m not even playing – scientists straight up found out that lying and sneaking around triggers the same part of your brain as doing drugs. They getting dopamine hits stronger than your trust issues, and just like with any other addiction, they need more and more to get that same rush.
Dr. Thompson (who’s seen more relationship drama than Netflix) breaks it down:
Your ex’s brain literally gets HIGH off lying:
- They get a dopamine hit stronger than your trust issues
- Each successful lie makes the next one easier (like a workout routine, but for BS)
- Their moral compass more broken than your Snapchat streak
- They got something called “cognitive dissonance” (fancy way of saying they believe their own lies)
The Deep Dive Into Trauma Bonding (Why Your Brain Be Doing You Dirty) 🧠
Remember when you was a kid and you fell off your bike? Your mama came running, kissed it better, and suddenly everything was good again? Yeah, your brain got hooked on that pattern – the hurt then the comfort. Now guess what your toxic ex doing? THE SAME DAMN THING but make it spicy!
Let me break this down real quick cause this part gonna hurt worse than them “we need to talk” texts:
When they hurt you then come back with them sweet words, your brain literally getting high. Dr. Lee calls it “intermittent reinforcement” but the streets just call it being dickmatized. Your brain releasing more chemicals than a college party:
- Dopamine (the “maybe this time they mean it” chemical)
- Oxytocin (the “but when it’s good it’s SO good” chemical)
- Adrenaline (the “why my heart racing every time they text” chemical)
You literally getting high off this toxic cycle like it’s your favorite drug. And just like any addiction, you gonna need more and more to get that same rush. That’s why:
- You keep going back even though you KNOW better
- Each makeup feels better than the last
- You starting to crave the drama
- Even the arguments starting to feel like foreplay
Why We Really Keep Going Back (The Mirror Moment) 🪞
This the part where you might wanna pour yourself something strong, cause we bout to get REAL real. You ain’t picking these types by accident, bestie. Your subconscious out here working harder than your ex’s phone password.
Dr. Lee dropped this truth bomb in her research:
“The familiarity of toxic patterns often provides a false sense of comfort, leading individuals to mistake chaos for chemistry.”
In regular people talk? You picking what feels familiar, not what’s good for you. Like going back to that one restaurant that gave you food poisoning twice because “but their fries hit different tho!”
Your Phone Making You More Toxic Than You Think 📱
Let’s talk about how your phone literally helping you play yourself! Dr. Martinez just did this whole study about how modern tech got us acting WILD:
That “Close Friends” Story Feature:
- You posting spicy selfies KNOWING they gonna see it
- Writing captions that’s basically subtweets
- Acting like you living your best life when really you just trying to make them jealous
- Getting that hit of dopamine every time they watch it
Them Dating Apps Though:
- You swiping at 2 AM hoping to find their profile
- Making your profile extra spicy hoping they’ll see it
- Matching with their friends to get intel (we see you)
- Using them location features like you CSI or something
Your Gut Been Trying To Tell You Something (But You Ain’t Been Listening) 🗣️
Look, your body BEEN knowing something ain’t right. You just been ignoring it harder than your ex ignores your boundaries. Let’s talk about them signs your gut was screaming about:
Physical Signs You Been Ignoring:
- That weird feeling in your stomach every time they text
- Your anxiety spiking when they take too long to respond
- Getting actual headaches from trying to make sense of their stories
- That chest tightness when you see them post
Dr. Thompson says:
“The body’s stress response system often recognizes threats before our conscious mind acknowledges them. That ‘gut feeling’ is literally your nervous system trying to protect you.”
Translation? Your body been trying to save you from yourself, but you been acting like them warning signs was just spicy butterflies!
The Social Media Circus (And Why You The Main Clown) 🎪
Y’all… we gotta talk about your social media behavior. Cause right now? You doing more performing than Broadway:
- Posting them thirst traps with deep quotes
- Making your location look more exciting than it is
- Watching their stories faster than you answer your mama
- Got notifications on for their likes (we see you)
Dr. Lee actually studied this mess:
“Social media platforms have created unprecedented opportunities for prolonging emotional attachments through passive observation and strategic self-presentation.”
In regular people talk? You stalking their profile like it’s your job and posting like you got something to prove. Your social media looking more staged than a reality TV show, and for what? So they can see what they “missing”?
Baby… the only thing missing is your self respect! 😭
Why Your Friends Been Looking At You Sideways 👀
Your bestie ain’t being a hater – they just tired of watching you audition for Clown College. They been seeing:
- How you change your whole personality when boo around
- The way you make excuses for stuff you’d drag anybody else for
- How you got more backup plans than NASA just in case they call
- The fact that you memorized their schedule better than your own
Your friends love you but they TIRED. Like, emotionally exhausted from:
- Listening to the same story 47 times
- Being your alibi when you “accidentally” show up where they at
- Proofreading them texts you definitely shouldn’t send
- Watching you ignore every red flag like they green lights
Dr. Rodriguez says:
“Strong social support networks often experience ‘compassion fatigue’ when repeatedly witnessing loved ones engage in self-destructive relationship patterns.”
Translation? Your friends need therapy from watching you need therapy! 😩
The REAL Healing Timeline (Not That Pinterest Pretty Version) 📅
Yo, let’s talk about what this healing journey ACTUALLY looking like. Not that Instagram “me and my crystals are thriving” BS, but the REAL real:
Months 1-3: The Hot Mess Express 🚂
- Crying in random places (shoutout to that one Target employee who pretended not to see you)
- Your Notes app looking like a whole villain origin story
- Blocking and unblocking them more times than your ex changed their story
- That ONE friend starting to screen your calls cause you telling the same story again
Months 4-6: The FBI Stage 🕵️♀️
- You doing more investigating than Law & Order
- Finding stuff you wish you hadn’t (why you go through them old photos tho?)
- Your therapist earning overtime just listening to your theories
- Starting to see patterns but still making excuses
Dr. Thompson says this phase normal:
“The compulsion to seek information serves as a maladaptive attempt to regain control over a situation where control was lost.”
In regular people talk? You being crazy but it’s temporary. Probably. Maybe.
Months 7-12: The “Oh Wait, It’s Me Too?” Phase 😩
- Starting to see YOUR red flags (oof)
- Actually listening to your therapist (double oof)
- Realizing maybe YOU was toxic too (triple oof)
- Finally admitting your friends been right (fatal oof)
Year 2: The Level Up 💅
- Finally got standards higher than your therapy bills
- Not checking their social media every 2.5 seconds
- Actually enjoying being single (weird right?)
- Your friends finally stop looking at you sideways
What “Starting Over” Actually Means (It Ain’t What You Think) 🔄
This part hit different cause nobody talk about how starting over really feel like:
- Having trust issues thicker than your ex’s book of lies
- Your type changing faster than your ex changed passwords
- Actually enjoying ya own company (who’d have thought?)
- Building boundaries stronger than your ex’s audacity
What Success REALLY Look Like (Not Them Fake IG Posts) 🏆
Listen. LISTEN. All them healing influencers got you thinking success look like:
- Posting sunset pics with deep quotes
- Acting like you never think about them
- Pretending you totally unbothered
- Looking perfect while “working on yourself”
But real success? That shit look DIFFERENT:
The Actual Signs You Healing:
- You stop explaining yourself to people who never cared about understanding
- Their name pop up on your phone and your heart don’t drop no more
- You start calling out red flags in MOVIES (you basically a professional now)
- You’d rather be alone than deal with BS (growth, baby!)
Dr. Martinez says:
“True recovery isn’t marked by the absence of pain, but by the presence of wisdom. It’s not about never getting hurt again – it’s about knowing your worth enough to walk away when something ain’t right.”
Translation? You still got trust issues, but now they got BOUNDARIES.
Your New Normal Gonna Feel Weird AF (But That’s Good!) 🆕
This part trip everybody up cause your new normal feel like:
- Being bored but in a healthy way
- Actually enjoying peace and quiet
- Not needing drama to feel alive
- Having standards higher than your ex’s body count
At first you gonna feel like something wrong cause:
- You ain’t checking their social media every 5 minutes
- Drama feel exhausting instead of exciting
- You actually got energy to focus on yourself
- Your trauma responses ain’t running your whole life
Dr. Thompson hit us with this:
“The transition from chaos to calm often creates psychological discomfort as individuals adjust to healthier relationship patterns.”
In regular people talk? Being stable feel boring af at first cause you used to living like a reality TV show!
For The “But What If They Really Changed” Crowd 🤔
Y’all… lemme hit you with these facts:
- If they changed that fast, it ain’t real
- They only changed after losing you, it ain’t for you
- If they gotta tell you they changed instead of showing you, they ain’t changed
- You gotta convince yourself they changed, save that energy for therapy
Real change look like:
- Actually going to therapy (not just following therapy memes)
- Taking accountability (not just saying sorry)
- Changing behavior (not just promises)
- Giving you space to heal (not love bombing you)
Like Dr. Lee says:
“Authentic behavioral modification requires extensive therapeutic intervention, consistent effort, and most importantly – time. Anything else is just performance.”
Translation? Change take longer than your ex took to find their backup plan!
The Graduation Speech (Cause You Made It) 🎓
If you reading this and feeling attacked, congratulations – you graduating from Clown University! Your diploma in “Not Taking Back Ain’t Shit People” is in the mail.
Real talk though, you doing better than you think. Look how far you come:
- From checking their location to checking your boundaries
- Writing them essays to writing your goals
- From being their backup plan to being your own priority
- Trauma bonding to trauma healing
And if you still thinking “but my situation different” – nah baby. Your situation so common we wrote a whole article about it. But you know what IS different? YOU. Cause you here reading this instead of texting them back.
Remember: Every time you don’t go back, you choosing yourself. Every time you maintain them boundaries, you loving yourself. Every time you resist downloading Tinder at 2 AM, you respecting yourself.
It’s Time To Release and Know You Alright
Now go forth and:
- Block their number (for real this time)
- Delete them pictures (yes, ALL of them)
- Call your therapist (they miss you)
- Choose peace over potential (cause that potential ain’t never gonna match reality)
And if you feeling lonely? Good. Better lonely than letting somebody play with your peace. Trust me on this one – I got the emotional baggage receipts to prove it! 😭
Remember: You ain’t come this far just to come this far. Keep going. Keep growing. And for the love of everything holy, PLEASE don’t download Tinder at 2 AM after reading this. Trust me on this one. 😭Version 43 of 43a go from “I’m over it” to crying in Walmart because you saw their favorite cereal, and that’s scientifically normal.
Yo, Drop Your Story! 👇
Aight fam – which part of this had you feeling more exposed than your ex’s camera roll? Drop a comment and let us know what hit different! Maybe it was:
- That trauma bonding breakdown that had you checking your Notes app
- The healing timeline that matched yours TOO perfectly
- That friend appreciation part that made you need to apologize to your bestie
- Or just that ONE line that made you feel seen in 4K
Don’t be shy – we ALL been there! Plus, your story might help somebody else realize they ain’t alone in this mess. We healing together out here!
And if you reading this at 2 AM while hovering over your ex’s number… PUT THE PHONE DOWN and drop a comment instead! Way more therapeutic, trust! 😤
Forbes wrote a great article you might want to read too – Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater Says Unique Study of Infidelity
RELATED READING: Dating and Relationships: The Ultimate Guide for Men
